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‘The Bachelorette’ 2016 Bios Have Successfully Trolled Me Into Watching Again

the-bachelorette-hunks-2016
ABC/Craig Sjodin

The Bachelorette launched in 2003 as The Bachelor’s sister spinoff — or perhaps more accurately, its perky, substantially-younger pharmaceutical sales rep girlfriend. I tuned in when Bachelor runner-up Trista Rehn found love with fireman Ryan Sutter in Season 1, because I wasn’t yet bored with the narrative conventions its parent series established. From the parade of limo arrivals to the “stolen” moments on a McMansion’s outdoor furniture to the frequent, nebulous accusations that “_____ isn’t here for the right reasons,” I lapped up the camp value with gusto until the show’s predictability gave me diminishing returns. I’d tapped out of The Bachelor even before that, skipping all subsequent Pad and in Paradise supplements, and even ABC’s gross decision to pit Kaitlyn Bristowe against fellow The Bachelor season 19 castoff Britt Nilsson couldn’t tempt me into a rage-watch.

But sign me the eff up for The Bachelorette Season 12, because a glance at this year’s “hopefuls” reveal that the network and these competitors no longer bother to hide what most of them are actually hopeful for: A fleeting moment of fame that can be parlayed into a later appearance on The Bachelor, Dancing With the Stars or — at the very least — a callback for a dog food commercial at least partially scored with their now-slightly-more-recognizable face. The new season has potential to be a living parody in the vein of actual (brilliant) parody Burning Love. And while I certainly hope returning alum JoJo Fletcher finds the life partner she purports to be searching for here, I’m returning after eight years for the bald spectacle of it all. Because: THESE GUYS.

First of all, I don’t think Santa is here for the right reasons.

The-Bachelorette-contestants-2016
Craig Sjodin, ABC

I’ll be recapping when the show premieres on Monday, May 23 — but first, a quick roundup of some ones-to-watch (either for their short-lived entertainment value and/or final rose potential). Make no mistake: I think several of these men are real cute, rill rill cute. There’s something for everybody! You got your Jakes, your Alis, and I’m especially partial to lil’ baby “radio DJ” Wells. I hope my three preliminary picks will end up on JoJo’s short list, but given previous bachelorettes’ bland preferences, I am dubious.

Chad, a 28-year-old “luxury real estage agent,” is a clear early favorite for winner because he’s a white guy with huge muscles and an action-hero jaw (history reflects that this is the enduring ideal for The Bachelor/Bachelorette audiences). He also finishes every other sentence in his bio questionnaire with Matthew McConaughey’s “alright alright alright” catchphrase, which you could get him to stop doing if he fell in love with you, probably.

Brandon lists his job description as “hipster,” which is repugnant, but he’s semi-redeemed by his love for Malcolm Gladwell books. Like Chad, he references The Notebook in his bio: “I want a The Notebook-type of experience.” Am I cynical for thinking these dudes think this is what women want to hear? I’ll hold my presumptions until I “meet” them onscreen.

Evan names “erectile dysfunction expert” as his occupation. Let’s hope he works for Pfizer or something, because if that’s a joke: Have several seats, Evan.

Daniel should be horrifying in an entertaining way for the first couple of episodes. He’s a male model (pics or it didn’t happen) who refers to his own body as “a Lambo” in two separate bio questions and says his worst fear is “That she doesn’t look like she does in pictures.” Expect Daniel to be either chock full ‘o jaw-dropping quotes or completely silent in real life.

Review the entire giant pile of men over at ABC, and feel free to share all of your judgmental (or romantic!) thoughts on them.

The Bachelor‘s Bachelors: Then + Now

Next: Will Kaitlyn Bristowe + Her Fiance Beat the Odds?

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